[Written 29/04/2023]
I feel like a curtain has been pulled back on our system. Suddenly things we never though were problems suddenly are. One of the biggest ones is.. Well, being a system.
I was thinking about my role. I’m a protector, more specifically, I ease our anxiety so the other alters can function. I don’t make it go away, but I make it manageable. The reason this is my role is because the others can’t do that. Even though they know and have their own self soothing techniques, they are, at best, non-effective, or at worst, self destructive. When my host gets stuck in a compulsion loop because of OCD, I help him break it. When my co-host gets so anxious he gets angry and starts to self-destruct, I calm him down. When my littles have trouble standing up for themselves because they’re afraid of being hurt, I’m there to do it for them. But I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish my host could get out of his loops by himself, I wish my co-host could calm himself down, I wish my littles could stand up for themselves without being afraid. But they can’t. So I have to do it.
I just hope that one day they’ll be able to do all that. Not so I won’t have to, but so they’ll be happy without relying on someone else. So they can be happy without worrying about what happens if I leave them alone.
But we aren’t there yet :,). Oh well. One day.
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